The Day I Burned the Boats

There's the legendary story about the explorer Cortez, and the day he led his army into attack. Before the embarked onto the land, he demanded that they burn the boats. The only way the troops would leave, then, would be if they sailed home in the enemy's boats. Therefore, failure was not an option. It would be victory or death.

Cortez's lesson to his men was that retreat is always possible, as long as it's an option. When you take the option to revert away, they only option is forward. This applies to every major decision in life, but especially to weightloss.

I remember the day I burned my boats. I didn't know it at the time, and there definitely would be many failures and attempts after this day. But I remember the day distinctly in my mind. I'll never forget it.

I went to the doctor for my annual exam, and we talked about the potential of there being a health risk that could be causing my weight gain. We did a full on blood panel while I was there, just to make sure we weren't missing something: a thyroid problem, testosterone increase, etc. I'd noticed an increase in acne as an adult, and had some excess hair around my chin. I assumed I had a high testosterone issue. I also noticed a loss in my mass of hair, which could be a sign of a thyroid issue. All things that needed to be ruled out, as they can also cause weight gain, or resistance to weight loss.

About 2 weeks later, I got a call from my doctor's nurse practitioner. She told me that everything had come back 'normal'. There weren't any issues that jumped out. And that the cause was just simply that I needed to lose weight.

In that moment, sitting in my car on my lunch break, you could have punched me in the gut. It was the first time I had the dreaded experience of a doctor blaming physical issues on my weight. I decided right then and there that something had to change. But this wasn't my 'burn the boats' moment.

I started parking further away at work, walking on my breaks and going to a bathroom further away. We started working out 3 days a week, and making meal prep a religious practice at home. We also stopped drinking alcohol, and I stopped caffeine altogether aside from a daily can of Diet Coke. I figured, with more than 100 lbs to lose, these little changes would have a large impact.

So imagine my surprise a year later when I went for my next exam and I had GAINED 5 pounds. I explained to my dr. all the changes that I had made, and my thought process on their effectiveness. I told her I was at a loss on what to do because the changes I was making weren't working,. I know that my frustration was apparent, and I looked to her for help.

Her response?

I just need to do more. What I was doing wasn't enough.

Imagine my RAGE. THIS was my burn the boats moment. I took that anger I felt and not only prepared to look for a new doctor, but I realized that no one was going to change my life except me. It was time to make a change.

I've spent so much of my life helping others and molding myself to what my parents, my partners, and my friends wanted. I didn't have healthy boundaries around food (or anywhere else).I didn't have any good role models to teach me about food decisions. I didn't communicate my feelings, because I was never taught how, and I ate to soothe them instead. I wasn't fully committed to the work it would take to change my life. I wasn't prepared for the amount of self love and self growth that would go into this journey.

June 2018. That was the time that I burnt my boats.

Fast forward to now, and I can't believe I've gotten as far as I have. I have set healthy boundaries with my parents, and I found a partner who loves me and is deserving of me. He's also someone who supports my journey, and is along for my ride. I am learning that I am my own worst critic; I'm worse to myself then anyone could have been to me. Now, I'm not afraid to say no when events interfere with my schedule or my plans for myself. I listen to my self talk and correct immediately. I strive to be conscious and consistent in every moment, every food decision, every habit change, and every event.

It's HARD.

Having an online community, focused on weightloss helps. Having a strong "why" that is stronger long term than any short term cookie or night out is also key. Learning how to communicate, realizing my not perfect and do need help and support through all of this has been monumental in my progress.

I have been working so hard on myself. And sometimes it gets overwhelming or I get tired. I've had to learn to stop putting the car either in drive or reverse, and start to learn how to park it. Stop self sabotaging by giving up on myself when things get hard.

The best part about it is I'm learning so much about me and my needs. I communicate better than I ever have. I stand up for myself and always lead with love for myself and others.

It's fun now to collect the data on myself and analyze the numbers. Tweak as I need to, ALLOW planned treats, and to cook food at home that I love to eat out. When I have a treat, it's something that I don't get very often, but also plan in daily ones to desensitize the sense of scarcity or availability.

I've tackled my bingeing behavior by creating a post-binge plan, and stay present at night to lessen my grazing. Needless to Say it's hard, tedious, and sometimes frustrating. But I'm so worth it, and my life is so worth it.

So why bring the burn the boats stuff up now?

Most people who suffer from weight issues have a self sabotage point. It's the point to which, when hit, they start to ruin the progress. This is typically because they are afraid to go forward. Subconsciously, they know that if they move forward from that point, their life will have to change drastically. They know that there will be no turning back. Usually, when they haven't yet burned their boats, they will say "fuck it" and go off their diet, skip the gym, binge when they haven't in weeks, etc. They reverse all their progress and they feel a sense of relief, because now they don't have to change for good.

For me, 20 pounds was that point. I've tried weight watchers multiple times, done Keto, the Atkins diet, HCG.. you name it, I've tried it. It usually lasts for 6-8 weeks, and I lose up to 20 pounds. Once I hit that point, I historically either believed I could work the program myself, or convinced myself that it was too hard and would start going off the rails by eating whatever I want. I'd start making excuses for not going to the gym. And then I'd go right back to where I was to start with.

As of today, I am down 25 pounds. I've never been down this much from my highest. Ever. I'm currently down a pant size. I've never been DOWN a pant size. Ever. Always up a pant size before now.

People are telling me that they are noticing my weight loss. Family that I don't see often, and aren't necessarily kind about these things (we're a 'know there's a problem, but don't talk about it' type of family). That's ever happened either.

There have been many times since June 2018 that I've gotten down 20 lbs and then regained. But I didn't give up. On myself, on this journey, or on my health.

I heard the story about burning the boats several months ago, and I knew I wanted to talk about it once I surpassed this sticking point. I also knew that when the time was right, I would know.

I'm so happy that I heard this story. The universe was preparing me for what was to come. It's been a wonderful year (more on that later!). I'm so blessed and proud of myself.

Thank you all for reading about my experience with burning the boats.

If you want to read the story, you can find it here:

https://unstoppablefamily.com/story-cortez-burning-boats/