Comparison is the Thief of Joy

"The only person you should try to be better than is who you were yesterday" -Unknown

Ever since I can remember, I have worried about what other people think of me. I could be walking down the street, and two people could be talking, and I automatically thought they were talking about me. Or, I would be having a conversation with someone and after walking away, I would feel like an idiot and beat myself up over what I said, or berate myself with things that I should have said instead. But most of all, I've always compared myself to everyone around me.

I have this cousin, who is something like 7 years older than me. She met her husband in college and they have 2 kids and both have really amazing jobs. They make good money and seem really happy. A few years ago, they both worked really hard to lose weight, and both look amazing. I have been known to tell people that (aside from having two kids- I don't want any- but that's for another post) I want their life. I found myself resenting them and looking for faults because they have a life that I deem superior, and I envy it.

I had a best friend from middle school until a couple of years ago. She's the "typical" pretty. You know, tall and skinny, tattoos, tanned, athletic, outgoing, self-aware, independent. I always envied her. She always went out and got hit on by every guy in the bar, meanwhile I'm over here in the corner trying to not be the awkward fat friend. She could eat like crap and never gain a pound, or not eat full meals without getting famished. I loathed going out with her, because I always felt less than, I was always constantly aware of my own faults and issues. She got all the attention and I got nothing. I resented her for just being her.

I used to compare myself and feel threatened by any of my exes exes and therefore they 'couldn't' talk to or about them. If they did talk to an ex, or even if they talked to any one of the opposite sex, I immediately felt threatened and it started an extreme issue. Suddenly I felt like I wasn't good enough, and like they were cheating on me.

Part of this is just being young and trying to find yourself in the world. But most of it is me not owning and working through my own shit. As I've gotten older, I've learned these people I envy have their own set of issues. They make sacrifices I may not be willing to make. Or they may even envy something I have going for me.

I guess my whole point in sharing this, is to say that you aren't alone in the struggle to find your own way. I listen to this podcast, and on this topic she said "everyone is scared to death". Everyone has baggage or a struggle; things that we can't see. I used to think that I couldn't mess up, I couldn't look "stupid", for fear that I would be judged or laughed at. The reality is, no one cares. No one is worried about you, and what you're doing. Because everyone is too worried about what they're doing. And if they do judge, or laugh at me? So what? Laugh with them! Or just remember most times you'll never see them again anyway.

I've done a lot of growing in my current relationship. He's actually helped me address a lot of the baggage I was carrying around. One of the things he used to always say to me was "the world doesn't revolve around you". And he's right. I spent so much time worrying about what other people thought about me, about life, that I didn't have time to do what made me happy or work on myself. I was constantly on facebook and instagram posting just to post so that I would feel relevant to someone or get a reaction, or uphold an image that was just a shell. It wasn't genuine and usually it wasn't true, either.

Why?

No one cares about how 'perfect' my relationship is or that I ate at that restaurant. Just like no one cares that I used the wrong word when talking to them, or that I'm larger than them. Most of the time people don't even notice these "screw-ups" until we dramaticize or bring it to their attention.I sabotage myself by letting it slip and then the fear becomes the reality

All of these irrational worries that paralyzed me and my progress only matter to me. And I'm the only one that could quiet them.

Over the years, as I've grown into who I want to be, I've learned that to do just that, I have to leave these worries and judgements behind. Most people really don't care about all the things I mentioned above. And if they do? They probably don't matter in my world anyway.

Our energy is better spent on our shit: your thoughts about yourself and others, your choices, and your actions. It's about getting the work done and keeping your head down; your thoughts focused on yourself.

When you can let all the outside noise go, THAT is when you can make progress on yourself. Because the truth is, any energy not being spent bettering you and your life and your health, is wasted. We all have the same 24 hours in the day. And once it's gone, we cannot get it back.

Thanks for reading,