Making Amends

I made a huge decision about a year and a half ago. 

I was feeling trapped. I wasn't happy with myself, my relationships. I feel like everyone was using and betraying me. So many people were flaky, or toxic, or didn't make me a priority. Or they just used me for their own agenda. So I cut almost everyone. I was constantly on the defense and if you pissed me off? You were gone. My excuse? I don't have time for that. I used the defense that I needed people in my life who supported me. Who were reliable and who gave a shit. 

But that is a very lonely place. 

Over the last year and a half, I have learned that all those things I said about other people? Those are characteristics I have displayed in my life too. I've been toxic to someone. I've been selfish and I've used people. I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm allowed to grow from them and move forward. They don't define me. It may have been from a myriad of reasons that I did any of those things. I haven't done the majority of my personal growth and development as an adult until this last year. I've had to really learn to own my shit. Take accountability for the role that I have played in my own past self destruction and the self destruction of the relationships I'd ended. 

I've realized that I need to think that way about others too. They are human. They have things going on in their lives that don't define them but could affect how they treat me. And maybe it's not all them. Maybe I'm contributing to the toxic behavior too. Maybe, they were just going through something and that isn't in their personality at all. 

Sure, there are some people that I had in my life that I had gone round and round with. That I've hashed things out with, and nothing changed as a result. You know the cycle, you hash something out, you are good for awhile, they get comfortable and things go back to how they were? Yeah, I had several of those. Some people really were using me and taking advantage of me. Some people really do display behaviors typical to them that happen to be toxic to me. Those people were cut. And it was ugly, and it hurt them and me. But it was necessary for my happiness. 

Now, I am trying to make amends with those that I may have judged too harshly. People who are struggling to find themselves just like me, without any intention of trying to hurt me. My partner used to always tell me, "Emily, the world isn't out to get you". I had to literally get out of that constant fight or flight mode. I had to learn that people are allowed to screw up. That doesn't make them bad people. I had to stop taking everything personal. Because it literally isn't about me most of the time. 

Intention is everything. Communication is key. And being gentle with yourself and with others is vital. Loving someone through their ugliness is the path I have chosen. Bad choices and bad period doesn't make someone a bad person. It's just someone living and going through something. And who am I to judge that? 

Thank you for reading