Loss Makes Me Realize A Lot of Things

It's been a minute... again...

Life really has a way of getting away from you. Before you know it's been 2 months since you've seen or talked to someone. Or posted a blog about life. That's kind of why I decided to write this. Because life has really gotten away from me, and I've been through something lately that really rocked me. And almost no one was there for me through it. And that makes me equal parts angry, and sad.

Emotions have never been a topic of discussion in my family. When we have a fight, it goes a little something like this:

We fight We don't talk for a specified amount of time We act like it never happened

Over the years, that has really worn on me. And I've learned that, because of this, I haven't been able to process emotions, especially the negative. Guilt, loss, sadness, and namely depression and anger. Those were not talked through. Mental health struggles run in my family, so it's extremely unnerving that we don't process these issues in a healthy way.

I had a very dear friend of mine. His name was Mel, and he turned 59 on April 21st. He was always a mentor and parental figure. Along with being unconditionally kind and wise, he always told me exactly how it was. If I needed a reality check, I went to him. If I needed a shoulder but also someone who would tell me if it's my fault or not, he was my guy. He loved life and lived it to the fullest. And it was NEVER a dull moment when he was around.

He was battling cancer for years, and he beat it twice. Well, in February he abruptly ended his 2 year long relationship and semi disappeared presumably to his daughter's house. He actually went into the hospital, and he never recovered. He had found out the cancer was back, and had to do a third round of chemo. He suspected that he wouldn't recover, or it was at least be a rough road, so he ended the relationship and withdrew to minimize the damage.

On April 25th, he told me that his chemo had stopped working, and they were only giving him 30 days to live. My partner and I went to see him on April 30th, and it was the last time we would see him. He was fighting infection at the time, so we couldn't even touch him; which meant no hug goodbye. This was something my partner and I both needed. But it just wasn't possible.

He passed away on May 5th. And it was my first personal experience with loss.

(I lost my grandpa last year, but we weren't close. So I was sad, but only in the formal way.)

I am heartbroken for the loss of my friend, mentor, parent figure and colleague. He was an amazing person. I wish everyone could have been touched by his light. He affected so many. But I am struggling to process the finality of that loss. I feel him all the time. I see him in my dreams. I know he's close by watching over me. As someone who isn't religious, and as a man who was Jewish, we don't believe in God. But I do believe there's a higher power. The universe, mainly. In the way that I know, he's here.

What made all of this worse was his family (kids and sister) being extremely controversial and not allowing anyone from his ex- partner's circle to be at the funeral. They didn't even know me, but because I was young, and liberal, I must be out for his money. So I wasn't welcome. They were projecting their motives onto me, and that is hard and makes me sad. Mel wouldn't have wanted things to be tense like that. He would've wanted everyone there with him, celebrating his life in his last moments. But that wasn't how it happened. I'm just so happy that I was able to have that last visit, and to have known him in a time where he was at peace with himself, and genuinely happy. His family cannot say that. I will always have those amazing memories and lessons from our talks.

My point in sharing this so publicly, is that when this happened, I wasn't public about everything. But those closest to me knew he was sick/dying, and that he didn't have much time. They also knew how close we were (we were planning a vacation together in September). Can you guess how many people, aside from my partner and Mel's ex-partner, reached out to make sure I was okay? You guessed it. 0.

My parents said it was sad and they were sorry once I brought it up. But my friends? Nope. Even my coworkers were willing to talk about it once I said something. Their response when I broke the news? "We didn't know how to ask."

I get it. You may not know how to ask. Or you may think that it's not something I need, because everyone copes differently. However, that is just an excuse. If you care, and you know what I'm going through. Something as hard and losing a friend to death. You reach out. It's not a fight, it's not a phone that died. It's final. I lost one of my closest friends to death.

I'm so angry at my loved ones for not even thinking to ask if I'm okay. I even reached out to a couple people and apologized for not being present because of the loss. So THEY KNEW WHY. And I wasn't even important enough to them to get a response. Do you know what I have to say to that?

Fuck you.

You don't care.

We all have lives. We all forget things. We all have things that are hard to talk about, or don't know how to bring them up. We fear their reaction, or the conversation itself. But at some point, there's no excuse. You should have reached out. You should have been able to get past the awkward and the unsure (or even said that: "I know this is hard or awkward" or "I don't know how to ask"). That's better than LITERALLY nothing.

So now, I'm not only learning (and struggling) with how to process this loss that I am heartbroken over. But now I have to learn to cope with this anger I feel for not having people in my corner that I really thought loved and cared about me. My circle is so small it's concerning. And getting smaller all the time.

What is wrong with me that people don't care? Why do I attract these types of people? Am I the problem?

Thank you for reading.